Have You Been Using Positive Affirmations Wrong All These Years?

I love positive affirmations.

I say them in the shower most mornings. I use them throughout the day when I notice my thinking heading somewhere unhelpful or when I find myself in one of those challenging moments where I need to steady myself, take a different perspective and remind myself that I can handle whatever is in front of me. They have become one of those small, simple tools I return to again and again.

But my relationship with positive affirmations hasn't always been quite so smooth.

I first discovered them through the wonderful and iconic Louise Hay, who became one of the best-known voices in the positive affirmation movement. Her 1984 book You Can Heal Your Life introduced millions of people to the idea that the way we speak to ourselves matters and that changing long-held patterns of thinking can influence how we experience ourselves and our lives.

The idea itself goes back even further. In the 1920s, French psychologist and pharmacist Émile Coué popularised a practice he called conscious autosuggestion. He encouraged people to repeatedly use the now-famous phrase, “Every day, in every way, I’m getting better and better.”

A century later, researchers are still interested in what happens when we deliberately affirm things that are important to us. A 2016 neuroimaging study using functional MRI found that self-affirmation was associated with increased activity in brain regions involved in self-related processing and valuation. In other words, there is more behind the idea of affirmation than simply standing in front of the bathroom mirror saying nice things to yourself and hoping for the best.

There’s formal research, alongside a great deal of anecdotal experience, suggesting that self-affirmation practices can be a useful addition to our mental health toolkit.

So why did I struggle with them so much?

I was in my twenties when I really discovered Louise Hay's work. It was the 1990s, and I was well and truly immersed in my own personal and spiritual development journey. I devoured pretty much everything Louise Hay put out into the world. I loved reading the stories of people who had changed their lives, their relationships with themselves using practices like positive affirmations.

There was just one small problem though, my brain wasn't having a bar of it.

I would dutifully repeat things like, I am enough. I accept change with grace and ease. I am healthy. I welcome abundance into my life.

And almost immediately, another voice in my head would pipe up.

Pfft. No you're not.

You're just pretending.

You don't really believe that.

Instead of making me feel more positive, sometimes the affirmation seemed to give my brain something new to argue with. It was almost as though the moment I made a bold declaration about myself, my mind began rummaging through the filing cabinets looking for evidence that proved exactly the opposite.

And because I was young and still figuring myself out, I naturally came to the very sensible conclusion that perhaps everyone else could make affirmations work except me.

Maybe I was the exception to the rule.

Of course I am, I thought. That would be typical.

It took me years to realise what was happening. Embarrassingly, probably close to a decade. The penny finally dropped partly through my own experience and partly through working with clients early in my private practice career.

What if, instead of telling my brain something it clearly didn't believe yet, I gave it something it couldn't argue with?

So instead of:

I love and accept myself.

I tried:

I am learning to love and accept myself.

Instead of:

I am enough.

It became:

I am learning to believe that I am enough.

And something quite remarkable happened.

My brain went quiet.

Because it was true.

I was learning. I was learning to be kinder to myself. I was learning to accept myself. I was learning to cope with change differently. I was learning that I didn't have to believe every unhelpful thought that wandered through my mind.

There was nothing for my brain to fight against because I wasn't convincing myself I had already arrived somewhere I hadn't. I was simply acknowledging that I was on my way.

Finally, I had cracked positive affirmations.

It had only taken me ten years.

But, as they say, hindsight is 20/20.

So, How Do They Actually Help?

You wouldn't think that a little sentence you say to yourself could make much difference. They're only words, after all.

But our thoughts and beliefs are enormously influential. The way we interpret what happens to us, what we believe about ourselves and the running commentary going on inside our heads can all influence how we feel and, ultimately, how we behave.

Self-talk is a whole topic in itself and probably another blog for another day, but positive affirmations can give us a simple way of becoming more intentional about some of those thoughts.

They aren't magic. Saying I am calm three times before breakfast isn't going to guarantee that you sail serenely through the rest of your day while everyone around you behaves beautifully. Unfortunately, life doesn't work quite like that.

What affirmations can do is give your mind something helpful to return to.

They keep what you're working on front of mind

It's very easy to wake up in the morning and decide, Today I'm going to be kinder to myself.

Then five minutes later you spill your coffee, can't find your keys and catch yourself thinking, For goodness sake, what is wrong with me?

So much for that.

One of the things I find useful about affirmations is that they act as little reminders throughout the day. If I'm working on being less critical of myself, more accepting of uncertainty or better at allowing myself to slow down, repeating an affirmation keeps that intention somewhere near the front of my mind.

It doesn't mean I'll get it right every time. It simply makes it more likely that I'll notice when I've slipped back into an old pattern and have an opportunity to choose something different.

They can help us challenge old beliefs

We all carry beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. Some are helpful. Others have been hanging around for years without ever being questioned.

I have to keep everyone happy.

I'm not good enough.

If I slow down, I'm being lazy.

I should be able to cope with everything.

Sometimes these beliefs become so familiar that we stop recognising them as beliefs at all, they simply feel like facts.

An affirmation can give us a way to gently introduce another possibility.

This is where I think the wording matters enormously. If you've spent thirty years believing I'm not good enough, replacing it overnight with I am absolutely amazing and completely confident in everything I do might be a stretch.

But I'm learning to recognise my own worth?

Now that's a possibility your brain may be much more willing to explore.

Over time, we're not simply repeating nicer words. We're practising a different way of responding to an old story.

They can change the way you speak to yourself

I truly believe that one of the most important relationships you will ever have is the relationship you have with yourself.

After all, you're the one person you can't get away from.

You can spend your life with an internal voice that criticises, judges and points out every mistake you make but the good news is you can gradually learn to develop a voice that is encouraging, compassionate and still honest.

That doesn't mean becoming your own personal motivational speaker and telling yourself everything is wonderful when it clearly isn't. Sometimes things are difficult, we mess up and we need to change something.

But being kind to yourself isn't the same as lying to yourself or being in denial.

A helpful affirmation can simply change the tone of that internal conversation from I can't cope with this to I'm learning that I can handle difficult things, or from I've completely stuffed this up to I'm learning to treat mistakes as something I can learn from.

A small difference in language can lead to a very different relationship with yourself.

They can help create a pause when emotions are running high

I also find affirmations particularly useful when I'm stressed, frustrated or overwhelmed.

When emotions are running high, our thinking can become quite automatic. We react quickly, fall back into familiar patterns and sometimes say or do things that aren't particularly helpful.

A familiar affirmation can become a small psychological pause.

I can take this one thing at a time.

I am learning to sit with uncertainty without needing to solve everything immediately.

I can choose how I respond to this.

The affirmation doesn't magically remove the emotion and that's not really the goal. Instead, it can remind you to notice what you're feeling, slow the reaction down and reconnect with how you actually want to respond.

And that, for me, is where positive affirmations become genuinely useful.

They're not about convincing yourself that everything is perfect.

They're about deliberately practising the thoughts, beliefs and ways of relating to yourself that you would like to strengthen.

How to Create Positive Affirmations That Actually Work for You

There really isn't a complicated formula for creating your own affirmations. In fact, I think simpler is usually better. The aim isn't to find the perfect words; it's to find a few words that mean something to you and that you can return to often enough for them to become familiar.

Here are a few things I've found helpful over the years.

Start with what you're already saying to yourself

Pay attention to the thoughts that regularly pop up when you're stressed, tired or doubting yourself. If you frequently think, I'm terrible at dealing with change, that gives you somewhere to start: I'm learning that I can cope with change, even when it feels uncomfortable.

Turn the negative around but keep it believable

Don't simply jump from I'm a complete failure to I'm amazingly successful at everything I do. Your brain may have a few objections. Look for a positive alternative that feels encouraging while still having some truth behind it.

Try “I am learning to…”

This is still my favourite. I'm learning to trust myself. I'm learning to slow down without feeling guilty. I'm learning to speak to myself more kindly. You don't have to have mastered something to be moving towards it.

Keep it simple

You don't need a beautifully worded paragraph. A short sentence you can actually remember is far more useful than something so complicated you need to pull out your phone every time you want to say it.

Choose one or two, not ten

You don't need an enormous list of affirmations every morning. Choose one or two that relate to what you're working on in your life right now and give yourself time to practise them.

Make them about you and what you can influence

Rather than creating affirmations about what other people will do or what you hope will happen, bring the focus back to yourself: I'm learning to trust myself to deal with whatever happens.

Put them somewhere you'll actually see them

Stick one on your bathroom mirror, the back of the toilet door or the outside of the shower screen, not actually in the shower, obviously, unless you've discovered waterproof Post-it notes. Put it anywhere your eyes naturally land during the day.

Use your phone or computer as a reminder

Turn your affirmation into your phone lock screen or computer wallpaper. You'll see it repeatedly without having to remember to deliberately practise it.  I have a range of free phone wallpapers and reminder cards on my website so wander over and have a look (click here to browse).

You don't even have to use words

If you live or work with people who aren't particularly supportive of affirmations or you simply don't want your innermost thoughts displayed on the bathroom wall, choose an image that represents your affirmation instead. A butterfly might represent change, a path might remind you that you're moving forward or the ocean might remind you to slow down and breathe. Nobody else needs to know what it means.

Attach it to something you already do

Rather than trying to create another habit to remember, connect your affirmation with one you already have. Say it while you're showering, brushing your teeth, making your morning coffee or taking your daily walk.

And finally, don't force it

An affirmation should feel supportive, not like another task you're failing to do properly. If the words don't sit comfortably with you, change them. If your brain immediately starts arguing, soften them. Keep experimenting until you find something that feels both encouraging and believable.

Perhaps the real power of an affirmation isn't in convincing yourself that you've already become the person you want to be.

Maybe it's simply reminding yourself, over and over again, that you're allowed to be a work in progress.

You don't have to completely believe I am confident, I am enough or I love myself today.

You can simply begin with I'm learning.

And sometimes that's more than enough.

A Few Free Resources for You

If you'd like a little help bringing some of these reminders into your everyday life, I've created a collection of free resources you can download and use whenever you need them.

You'll find positive affirmation phone wallpapers and reminder cards, along with affirmation-themed colouring and reflection pages designed to give you a quiet moment to slow down, colour and reconnect with the words you're practising.

[Explore my free resources ]

Want More Gentle Reminders Like This?

If you enjoy my articles and would like a little more calm to land in your inbox, you're very welcome to join my Slow Down with Liz email community.

I send a gentle weekly email with my latest article, a reflection for the week and usually a little free resource or something I've created to help you slow down, think differently and take better care of yourself in the middle of ordinary life.

No pressure. No constant emails. Just a little something from me to you each week.

[Join the Slow Down with Liz community ]

If You're Ready to Slow Things Down a Little More...

My book, Stop Rushing Start Living: A Psychologist's Guide to Slowing Down, Stressing Less and Calming the Mind, is for anyone who feels as though life has become a constant cycle of rushing, doing and thinking about what needs to happen next.

It's filled with psychology, practical strategies, personal reflections and small changes you can begin making in everyday life — without needing to completely overhaul your world.

[Find out more about the book ]

Written by Liz Anderson

Liz Anderson is a registered psychologist, author and creator of Slow Down with Liz. With almost 30 years' experience in psychology, Liz writes about stress, overwhelm, burnout, midlife, self-care and the psychology of creating a calmer, more meaningful life.

Through her articles, books, free resources and workshops, she shares practical psychology in a warm, down-to-earth way helping people understand themselves a little better and make small changes that genuinely fit into real life.

References

Cascio, C.N., O’Donnell, M.B., Tinney, F.J., Lieberman, M. D, Taylor, S.E., Strecher, V.J. and Falk, E.B. (2016). Self-affirmation activates brain systems associated with self-related processing and reward and is reinforced by future orientation. Social cognitive and affective neuroscience, doi:10.1093/scan/nsv136.