Why Don't I Feel Like Myself Anymore?
Understanding Low Mood and Loss of Motivation

Sometimes it's hard to put your finger on exactly what's wrong.

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Nothing terrible has necessarily happened. You're still getting through your days, doing what needs to be done, answering emails, making dinner, turning up to work, remembering appointments and keeping life moving.

From the outside, everything might look reasonably okay.

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But inside, you don't quite feel like yourself.

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Things you used to enjoy don't seem to have the same pull anymore. You keep putting things off, even things that aren't particularly difficult. You know you should probably go for a walk, call that friend, sort out the cupboard or finally make that appointment, but somehow you just... don't.

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Even little things seem to require more effort than they used to.

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And after a while, it's easy to start wondering what's happened to you.

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Why can't I just get myself together? Why don't I feel like doing anything anymore?

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If you've been feeling this way, there may not be one simple answer.

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Low mood and loss of motivation can happen for all sorts of reasons, and sometimes several things have been quietly piling up for a while.

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Perhaps you've been under more stress than you've realised. Maybe you're exhausted from constantly keeping everything going. You might be lonely, grieving something you've lost, struggling with changes in your health or hormones, feeling disappointed with how something has turned out, or simply wondering when life became quite so much about responsibilities and so little about you.

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Sometimes these feelings can be part of depression. Sometimes they're a sign that you've been running on empty for too long. And sometimes they're your first clue that something in your life needs a little more attention.

So rather than immediately asking yourself, "How do I make myself more motivated?" perhaps there's a gentler place to begin.

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What's been happening in my life lately, and how have I really been feeling about it?

Because sometimes the answer isn't that you need to try harder.

Sometimes you need to understand what has been making everything feel so hard.

 

 

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What does low mood actually feel like?

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When we think about low mood or depression, we often picture someone who feels deeply sad or cries frequently, and sometimes it does look like that.

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But not always.

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Low mood can be much quieter. It can feel like flatness or a sense that you're simply going through the motions.

You might notice that you don't get particularly excited about things anymore. You may feel more irritable or impatient than usual, or perhaps a little emotionally numb. You might withdraw from people, spend more time scrolling on your phone or find yourself saying no to things you once would have enjoyed.

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Simple tasks can start feeling strangely difficult.

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The washing sits there, messages don't get answered, appointments don't get made, and you walk past the same pile of things for three weeks thinking, I really need to sort that out.

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You might also notice a change in the way you talk to yourself.

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Your inner dialogue may become more negative or self-critical. Small mistakes can seem bigger, or you might notice everything you haven't done while barely registering everything you have managed to do. Thoughts such as I'm lazy, I should be coping better, Why can't I get anything done? or Everyone else seems to manage can start creeping in.

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And when we're feeling low, those thoughts can feel remarkably convincing.

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Our attention can start shifting too. We may become more focused on what's missing, what's gone wrong or what isn't quite how we hoped it would be. Our view of ourselves and our lives can become a little narrower, making it easier to notice evidence that things aren't going well while overlooking some of what is still supporting and sustaining us.

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Sometimes you're still functioning quite well from the outside. You're going to work, looking after your family and doing everything that absolutely has to be done.

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Other people may not even realise you're struggling, but there may be very little left for anything else.

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When all of these things start coming together — feeling flat, withdrawing, struggling with everyday tasks and becoming increasingly hard on yourself — life can begin to feel much heavier than it used to.

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You might look at all of this and decide you're lazy, disorganised or simply need to try harder.

But often, there is much more happening underneath.

 

 

Why have I lost my motivation?

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When we lose our motivation, it's very easy to assume that we simply need to try harder.

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I need to get myself organised.

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I need to stop procrastinating.

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I just need to get on with it.

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But motivation isn't something we either have or don't have. It can shift depending on what's happening in our lives, our bodies and our emotional world.

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It's hard to feel motivated when you're exhausted.

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It's hard to feel enthusiastic about life when every day seems to have become one long list of things that need to be done and it's hard to find the energy for something new when your mind is already full of everything you haven't finished, everyone who needs something from you and all the things you're trying not to forget.

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Sometimes you've simply been giving out more than you've been getting back for a very long time.

Loss of motivation can be part of depression, but there are many other reasons we can find ourselves feeling this way.

 

Burnout, prolonged stress, grief, loneliness, chronic pain, poor sleep, relationship difficulties, hormonal changes and significant life transitions can all leave us with less energy and enthusiasm than we normally have.

Sometimes there isn't even one obvious reason. It can be an accumulation of smaller things that have gradually worn us down.

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That's why a little curiosity can be much more helpful than self-judgement.

Instead of asking:

Why am I being so lazy?

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Perhaps ask:

Why does everything feel so hard at the moment?

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Or even:

What has been taking so much out of me lately?

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Those questions come from a very different place.

And sometimes, they're much more useful ones to answer.

 

 

Why procrastination isn't about laziness

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Procrastination is another behaviour that can become more noticeable when we're struggling with low mood or motivation, just as it can when we're feeling overwhelmed or anxious.

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We know what needs to be done. We know avoiding it probably isn't helping. And yet somehow we find ourselves reorganising the pantry, checking Facebook or suddenly deciding that right now would be an excellent time to research holidays we aren't planning to take for another two years.

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Human beings can be remarkably creative when there's something we'd rather not do.

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But procrastination isn't always about being lazy, disorganised or lacking willpower. Often there's a reason we're finding it difficult to get started.

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Sometimes we avoid a task because:

• it feels overwhelming

• we're worried we'll get it wrong

• perfectionism has convinced us that if we can't do it properly, we'd rather not begin at all

• we're exhausted and simply don't have much mental energy left

• the task feels boring or unrewarding when our motivation is already low

• it brings up something emotionally uncomfortable that we'd rather not deal with

 

Sometimes the longer we put something off, the bigger it becomes in our minds.  A relatively small task starts following us around for days or weeks. We think about the email we haven't answered while we're making dinner. We remember the appointment we haven't booked when we're trying to fall asleep. We notice the paperwork sitting on the bench every time we walk past it.  

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Now we're not only avoiding the task. We're carrying the guilt and self-criticism that have started to grow around it as well.

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That's why simply telling yourself to stop procrastinating and get on with it isn't always particularly helpful.

Instead, it can be worth asking:

What am I actually avoiding here?

Is the task too big?

Am I worried about getting it wrong?

Am I overwhelmed by where to begin?

Am I exhausted?

Or is there something about this particular task that I really don't want to face?

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The answer may have very little to do with the task itself.

And once you understand what's getting in the way, it becomes much easier to work out what might help you take the first small step.

 

 

When you've stopped enjoying things you used to enjoy

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One of the more confusing experiences people describe is losing interest in things they normally enjoy.

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Sometimes you simply stop doing them. The book stays beside the bed, the garden gets neglected, you stop making plans or you can't remember the last time you did something purely because you wanted to.

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Other times you're still doing those things, but they don't feel quite the same. You go out for dinner, watch the movie or spend time with people you care about, but the enjoyment you expect to feel just isn't really there.

Psychologists sometimes use the word anhedonia to describe a reduced ability to experience pleasure or enjoyment.

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It can be an important symptom of depression, particularly when it persists and is accompanied by other changes in mood and everyday functioning.

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But our enjoyment of life can also become dulled when we're exhausted, grieving, overwhelmed or have simply spent too long operating in survival mode.

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Sometimes it's not that we've completely lost our capacity for enjoyment. We've just become disconnected from the things that used to provide it.

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When so much of life becomes about what needs to be done, the things that don't need to be done are often the first things to disappear. Hobbies, friendships, creativity, time outside, music, reading, playfulness and those little pockets of time that once belonged entirely to us can gradually get squeezed out.

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And we don't always notice it happening.

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There isn't necessarily a moment when we decide to stop enjoying our lives. It can happen quietly, somewhere between responsibilities, tiredness and getting through another busy week.

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Then one day you realise that life has become very good at keeping you occupied, but perhaps not particularly good at making you feel alive and that realisation is worth paying attention to.

 

 

Is this depression, or am I just going through a low patch?

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Everyone experiences periods of low mood.

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There will be days or weeks when life feels harder, our motivation disappears and we'd quite happily stay under the doona until further notice.

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Sometimes there's an obvious reason. We've had a difficult week, we're exhausted, something hasn't gone the way we'd hoped or life has simply been asking a little too much of us lately.

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Usually, these periods begin to lift. We still have moments of enjoyment, something makes us laugh, we look forward to seeing someone or we notice that after some rest, support or a change in circumstances, we start feeling more like ourselves again.

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Feeling low for a while doesn't automatically mean you have depression.

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Depression tends to be more persistent and can begin to significantly affect how we feel, think and function in everyday life. It isn't always experienced as intense sadness either. For some people, the most noticeable change is feeling flat, disconnected, exhausted or no longer interested in things they would normally enjoy.

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Other changes can include:

• low energy or fatigue

• difficulty concentrating or making decisions

• changes in sleep

• changes in appetite

• feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt

• becoming increasingly self-critical or negative

• withdrawing from people or activities

• feeling hopeless about the future

• thoughts about death, dying or suicide

 

Not everyone will experience all of these, and depression doesn't look exactly the same in every person.

It's also possible to be struggling with depression while continuing to function reasonably well on the outside. You might still be going to work, getting the children where they need to be and paying the bills.

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But everything seems to take considerably more effort than it used to. Maybe you're doing what you absolutely have to do and very little else or you're getting through the day, but there's not much enjoyment in it.

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It can be more helpful to look at the bigger picture and ask yourself some questions like:

How long have I been feeling this way?

Is it beginning to affect my relationships, work or everyday responsibilities?

Am I withdrawing from people or things I normally enjoy?

Do I still have moments of pleasure, connection or hope?

Do I still have moments when I feel like me?

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There isn't always a perfectly clear line between having a difficult period and experiencing depression and you don't need to work that out entirely on your own.

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If you've been feeling persistently low, flat or unlike yourself, particularly if it's been happening for a few weeks or is beginning to interfere with everyday life, it's worth talking with your GP or a psychologist.

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And importantly, you don't have to wait until you're barely functioning before you're allowed to ask for help.

If you're having thoughts about suicide or harming yourself, or you're concerned that you may not be safe, seek urgent professional support rather than waiting to see whether things improve.

 

 

Could something physical be contributing?

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Mood and motivation aren't purely psychological.

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Our brains live inside our bodies, and what is happening physically can influence how we feel emotionally.

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Poor sleep, chronic pain, illness, medication side effects and hormonal changes can all affect energy, concentration and mood.

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There are also physical conditions and nutritional deficiencies that can sometimes contribute to fatigue or low mood, including thyroid problems, iron deficiency and deficiencies in nutrients such as vitamin B12 or folate.

For women in midlife, perimenopause and menopause can also bring changes in sleep, energy, concentration and mood.

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If you've noticed a significant or unexplained change in how you're feeling, particularly if fatigue is a major part of the picture, it's worth having a conversation with your GP.

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Sometimes psychological and physical factors are both contributing.

 

 

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What actually helps when you feel flat and unmotivated?

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Understanding what might be contributing to the way you're feeling is an important first step but at some point it also helps to think about what might begin to shift things.

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One of the frustrating things about low mood is that we often wait for motivation to return before we do anything.

I'll go for a walk when I feel like it.

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I'll call my friend when I'm in a better mood.

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I'll get back into the garden when I have more energy.

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It makes perfect sense. When everything already feels like an effort, the last thing you want is another list of things you should be doing.

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The problem is that when our mood is low, motivation doesn't always arrive first, sometimes we need to begin doing things before the desire to do them catches up.

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In psychology, behavioural activation is an approach that involves gradually reconnecting with activities that give us a sense of pleasure, connection, meaning or accomplishment. Rather than waiting until we feel motivated, we begin with small, manageable actions that can slowly help create the conditions for motivation to return.

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And small really does mean small.

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It might be sitting outside with your morning coffee instead of scrolling on your phone, walking around the block, watering the garden, putting on music you used to enjoy, sending a message to someone you've been meaning to contact or spending ten minutes on something you've been avoiding.

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You certainly don't need to respond to a period of low motivation by creating an impressive new morning routine involving a 5am alarm, meditation, green juice and a ten-kilometre run. In fact, setting enormous goals when you're already struggling can simply give you another opportunity to feel as though you're failing.

A small action that you actually take is far more useful than an ambitious plan that feels impossible to begin.

But doing more isn't always the answer either.

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If you've been exhausted because you're carrying too much, perhaps you need more rest rather than another activity. If you've become isolated, reconnecting with someone may matter more than becoming more productive. If you've been agreeing to things you don't have the capacity for, a boundary might help more than a better planner.

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And sometimes there are feelings that need somewhere to go. You may need to talk about something that's been bothering you, acknowledge a disappointment you've been trying to brush aside or finally admit that something in your life isn't working particularly well anymore.

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This is why it can help to look at both what you might need more of and what you might need less of.

Perhaps you need more connection, enjoyment, movement, rest, creativity or time that belongs to you. Perhaps you need less pressure, fewer unrealistic expectations, less responsibility for everybody else's happiness or fewer things you automatically say yes to.

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There isn't one formula that will work for everyone, because there isn't one reason people begin feeling flat and unmotivated.

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The aim isn't to suddenly transform yourself into a wonderfully motivated version of you by Monday morning. It's to start making small changes that help you feel a little more connected to yourself and your life again.

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Sometimes that means adding something.

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Sometimes it means letting something go.

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And sometimes we need a little support while we work out the difference.

 

 

When should I talk to someone?

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If low mood, loss of motivation or loss of enjoyment has been hanging around for several weeks, is becoming more noticeable or is starting to interfere with your relationships, work or everyday life, it's worth speaking with your GP or a psychologist or other health professional.

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A GP can also help rule out physical contributors and discuss treatment options if depression may be present.

Psychological support can help you understand what's contributing to how you're feeling, identify patterns that may be keeping you stuck and gradually find ways of reconnecting with the parts of life that matter to you.

And sometimes simply having somewhere you can say what you're really thinking and feeling, without needing to look after anyone else's reaction, is valuable in itself.

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If you're experiencing thoughts of suicide, self-harm or feeling that you don't want to be here, please seek urgent support rather than trying to manage those feelings alone. Contact emergency services if you're in immediate danger, or reach out to a crisis support service in your country.

 

There is a list of numbers at the end of this page or click here to go directly to them.

 

You don't need to become a different person

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When you've been feeling flat or disconnected from yourself for a while, it's natural to look backwards and compare how you feel now with the person you remember being.

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I used to have so much energy. I used to be more fun. I used to get so much done. I just want to feel like the old me again.

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But perhaps the goal isn't always to get back to exactly who you were.

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Life changes us.

 

Our responsibilities change, our bodies change, relationships shift and the things that once felt important may not feel quite as important anymore. We move through different seasons of life and the person we were ten or even five years ago isn't necessarily the person we need to become again.

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A period of low mood or disconnection can sometimes be an invitation to look at our lives a little more closely. Not because we've done something wrong or need to reinvent ourselves but because something may need our attention.

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Perhaps you're more tired than you've allowed yourself to acknowledge. Maybe you need more connection, more enjoyment or simply more room to breathe. You may have outgrown something that once worked for you, or perhaps you've been saying yes when you really wanted to say no. You might have feelings you've been keeping to yourself or needs that have been pushed aside because there always seemed to be something, or someone, more important to deal with first.

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You don't have to work all of this out today and you certainly don't need to turn it into another project to complete.

You can simply start by becoming a little more curious about how you're feeling, what has been taking your energy and what might help you feel more connected to yourself and your life again.

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Feeling more like yourself doesn't begin with trying harder.

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It begins with listening to what you need now.